Friday, October 15, 2004

An Emotional Wreck

I think I will take a leave of absence from blogging. I will be back when I am better. :(

I am an emotional wreck right now. Just found out the bf of five years has cheated on me with a one night stand. There's a constant knot in my tummy. My heart has been stomped on, shredded into unrecognisable particles. I keep staring at the mirror wondering what is wrong with me, I seem to fail in all my relationships.

I want to know if I am not pretty enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, not this, not that. WHAT? WHAT??? I know I should lift my head up high and walk away but it's a lot easier said than done. I had sworn I would not let a guy hurt me like that again, and now it's happened again. I have cried till my eyes have gone puffy, can't work because all I can think of is the dreaded "why?" I wake up in the morning thinking, hoping that it was all a nightmare but it's not.

I can't trust anyone anymore. We were heading in the direction of marriage so you can imagine the blow is like 50 ton weight of bricks on wait, 100 tons. My purpose in life is gone, my faith in men diminished to less than a speck. I feel like I am ruined mentally and emotionally. I am getting older but don't seem to be getting any wiser. :( I fear being single for the rest of my life because something is truly wrong with me, and of course I can't trust men.

The bf had earned my trust knowing that I had been hurt badly before. I did not want to exist before, but he earned my trust and I was happy. But one night of too much alcohol ruined and fucked everything up. We were great before and I trusted him without a doubt. No questions asked when he went out with his friends because I knew and trusted him. He was the sweetest and everyone liked him! But that trust has been violated, I have been raped of all hope, trust that he had restored in me. The pain is a lot worst because I didn't expect anything at all. Non-existence is what I want to be now, I dream about it every day now.

If I trusted him for five years and this happened. Where is the assurance that the next guy won't hurt me again? There isn't. I crave non-existence.

I don't know who to trust, who's telling the truth, who's real, who's fake.

He says he's sorry...before, I could believe it but I can't believe anything now. I am afraid it might happen again. I don't know. I don't know any fucking thing now. Weird thing is, I feel sorry for him, I think he really wants me back. He says he's truly messed everything up. But I don't know if that trust can ever be the same again. I am confused, hurt, disappointed, angry, sad, an emotional wreck.

My world has crumbled. I want to jump off a building. I want to cross the street without looking. Fuck everything I have ever known, trusted or believed in. I want to curl up into a ball and truly, truly die.