Monday, December 06, 2004
Thought you guys might like an update as to what's been going on in my life (too bad if you don't). So let's see... I recently went back to college for my degree studies, I've left home for the first time and moved into a little apartment, made new friends, met up with old ones and oh, my skin looks like that of an 80 year old due to the sleepless nights doing my assignments. Not bad for 6 months, if I may say so myself.
Anyway, 8 months ago, when I made the decision to move out, I had mixed emotions about it. Yeah, it's pretty pathetic being a 20+ year old who's never left home but it's hard to leave when your mother's a single parent home alone and your brother's out working most of the time. But move out I did, and it's proven to be an interesting experience.
First of all, the biggest challenge was learning how to balance my monthly finances. This is especially hard if everything you've bought (prior to moving out) was paid for by your parents. So I learnt to stretch a dollar into two and miraculously did not die of starvation. Thank God for mamak stalls and Maggi Mee!
Other than that, the task of making new friends proved to be an unnerving experience as well. I'm sure all of us can remember our first day of classes when we had to step into that classroom all by ourselves, hoping that someone would reach out to make friends. When I was in college the first time around however, making friends seemed so much easier. No one really cared how you looked, how much money you had, what you wore, who your father was, which clubs you went to etc... but sadly, all that's changed now. It was weird, hilarious even, when I was met with shocked faces when I told some of my classmates I hated clubbing because I didn't like the crowds and dressing up. It was as if I had committed the ultimate sin, one that was punishable by deadly stares and sarcastic remarks. Needless to say, those classmates and I did not become close friends. I did, however, find a lot of other people with mutual interests and we've become pretty good friends now.
But anyway, I've survived my first semester of college and it's now the holidays for me. The only thing I can say is : It's about bloody time!
Friday, October 15, 2004
I am an emotional wreck right now. Just found out the bf of five years has cheated on me with a one night stand. There's a constant knot in my tummy. My heart has been stomped on, shredded into unrecognisable particles. I keep staring at the mirror wondering what is wrong with me, I seem to fail in all my relationships.
I want to know if I am not pretty enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not nice enough, not this, not that. WHAT? WHAT??? I know I should lift my head up high and walk away but it's a lot easier said than done. I had sworn I would not let a guy hurt me like that again, and now it's happened again. I have cried till my eyes have gone puffy, can't work because all I can think of is the dreaded "why?" I wake up in the morning thinking, hoping that it was all a nightmare but it's not.
I can't trust anyone anymore. We were heading in the direction of marriage so you can imagine the blow is like 50 ton weight of bricks on me...no wait, 100 tons. My purpose in life is gone, my faith in men diminished to less than a speck. I feel like I am ruined mentally and emotionally. I am getting older but don't seem to be getting any wiser. :( I fear being single for the rest of my life because something is truly wrong with me, and of course I can't trust men.
The bf had earned my trust knowing that I had been hurt badly before. I did not want to exist before, but he earned my trust and I was happy. But one night of too much alcohol ruined and fucked everything up. We were great before and I trusted him without a doubt. No questions asked when he went out with his friends because I knew and trusted him. He was the sweetest and everyone liked him! But that trust has been violated, I have been raped of all hope, trust that he had restored in me. The pain is a lot worst because I didn't expect anything at all. Non-existence is what I want to be now, I dream about it every day now.
If I trusted him for five years and this happened. Where is the assurance that the next guy won't hurt me again? There isn't. I crave non-existence.
I don't know who to trust, who's telling the truth, who's real, who's fake.
He says he's sorry...before, I could believe it but I can't believe anything now. I am afraid it might happen again. I don't know. I don't know any fucking thing now. Weird thing is, I feel sorry for him, I think he really wants me back. He says he's truly messed everything up. But I don't know if that trust can ever be the same again. I am confused, hurt, disappointed, angry, sad, an emotional wreck.
My world has crumbled. I want to jump off a building. I want to cross the street without looking. Fuck everything I have ever known, trusted or believed in. I want to curl up into a ball and truly, truly die.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
I'm sure many of us want to make a difference in this world, I know I do. I just don't want to exist on this planet for the main purpose of eating and sleeping or god forbid, shopping, clubbing and trying to blend it with the cool, hip crowd.
You might read that, roll your eyeballs and automatically think, "Tira's a nerd." Nope, if you've read my previous blogs, I don't plan on existing for the pure pleasure of wanting to be in the "in" crowd. But I'm sure there are those of you out there who beg to differ and who only party, get drunk, try to be cool....trust me, there's more to life out there than spending on such shits as those. ( I do party but not to the extremes that some do! Think shorts, flip flops, baggy t-shirt at the bar with a keg of beer, etc...not exactly dressy eh?)
Sara would agree with me on this when I say our mother has brought us up right in making sure we're friends with the disabled kid, the uncool crowd, helping the less fortunate, the snooty person, the smart person, etc...well, basically, just being nice and friends to EVERYONE regardless.
But that's another blog entry.... more or less.....
So this entry is about a teacher or several of them who have made a difference in your life. It could be that they made such an impact that it added zest to your life, or that they were so negative, it made you want to prove them wrong and show them you can surpass the goals they've set for you.
Personally, I can't think of one teacher who has impressed me enough to do that. No one has spurred me on.
Instead, I think there are teachers in school and there are teachers outside school, college, whatever. I was spurred on by the latter.
I've been taught by my mom to do the best that I could. I've been taught and reminded by several that I must accept people for WHO they are, not WHAT they are.
I've been taught in unfortunate life circumstances that money is really nothing, they might be friend magnets, but really, who the fuck needs friends like that anyway. I really prefer no money, real friends.
I've been taught that your relatives aren't always what they seem. Or for that matter, that friend you thought you could rely on...when you really need help, would you get it?
So who are your best teachers? Mine are my mom and experience....
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Ok, ok, for those who know me, you'd also know that I love a variety of foods, restaurants and recipes as my previous blog entries will attest.
Here's a list of my fav foods and where you can get them (in no order of preference)!!!
*Red Ginger restaurant
*Penang (??) restaurant - forgot the name of the restaurant in megamall (sara, do u know??)
*bangsar coffee shop (forgot name but it's a couple of blocks from Giant, formerly known as TMC)
*Bangsar Pasar Malam
*American Chillis, Bangsar
What are your favorite foods/restaurants/recipes?? Share them with us, so we can try them too!:P
Monday, August 09, 2004
Day Four - Sunday 1/08/04
I woke up today wanting to go back to bed, desperately. Had a really late night last night (a big no-no according to my piercer) but 5 minutes more was all I needed. My alarm clock did not allow me to get them.
Having to wake up at 7.45am every Sunday for church really bites (the waking up NOT the going to church - I am a good girl, I am) but waking up 15 minutes earlier today just so I can brush my teeth and tongue at a slower pace? Surely I wouldn't need 15 minutes extra for that? Well apparently I did, because I didn't have a second to spare before leaving.
Had a really pleasant lunch today because I discovered something yummy I could eat - mashed potatoes with loads of milk and butter and Campbell's cream of chicken! Had them for lunch and I have to say, cold potatoes and soup never tasted so damn good (strictly no hot food for fear of injuring my tongue). Decided to have the same thing for dinner again. I mean, more cold mashed potatoes or more liver tasting porridge? 'Nuff said.
I'll probably have the same thing for every meal until my tongue has healed. Who can get sick of mashed potatoes right?
Day Five - Monday 2/08/04
Monday's here and that only means one thing - shopping at Midvalley with my mother. I spent 4 tortured hours at Midvalley smelling all things delicious and eating nothing. Bakeries are the absolute worst with smells of hot pastries and buns coming out fresh from the oven filling the air. McDonald's comes in a close second especially since my Double Cheeseburger craving has not subsided. I return home to eat cold mashed potatoes and chicken soup. Funny, it doesn't taste as good as it did yesterday.
One of my lecturers called while I was out so I had to call her back to find out what she wanted. Just my luck, her name is Zeti. Our conversation is as follows (and this is no exaggeration, folks):
Me: Hello. Can you put me tru to Jheti, pleash?
Operator: Erm, sorry?
Me: Can you put me tru to Jheti?
Operator: Oh, you mean Zeti from the _______ department?
Operator: One moment please.
Zeti: Hello, Zeti speaking.
Me: Hi Jheti, you called me earlier?
Zeti: Who is this?
Me: Thish ish Sara?
Zeti: Eh, apasal suara lain hari ini? (Why does your voice sound different today?)
Me: Oh, shakit tekak. (Sore throat)
Zeti: Oh kesiannya... anyway, your application for __________ has been approved so you have to come on the 4th to reenrol for your course.
Me: The fourt? Dish Wedneshday?
Zeti: Erm yeah, the fourthhhh...
Me: What time musht I be der?
Zeti: Anytime between 9-5 but I would advise you to be here at 9 to avoid the crowd.
Me: Oh ok. What musht I bring?
Zeti: 3 passport sized photos, a photocopy of your IC and money for your fees if you want to pay on that day.
Me: But you haven't told me how mush my feesh ish?
Zeti: Oh, let me check. (Rustling of papers) Your fees for this semester is ________
Me: Oh ok. Let me write it down. Ish dat all? Anyting else I shud know or bring?
Zeti: Mmm no, I don't think so.
Me: Ok den... tank you. Shee you dish Wedneshday.
Zeti: Erm... ok. Bye.
Bet she never had a weirder telephone conversation.
I had strawberry ice cream (melted, of course) and potatoes again for dinner. Did I say I was going to eat potatoes for every meal until my tongue was healed? Ok, maybe not.
Day Six - Tuesday 3/08/04
My tongue felt surprisingly normal this morning so I assumed it was 100% healed. Tried bending it to see if it was still swollen. The searing pain I felt might be a clue... definitely still too early for tongue twisting.
I never thought I'd say this but I am now officially off ice cream and mashed potatoes. I can actually feel them both oozing out of my pores... and I swear that when I raised my arm earlier, I got a whiff of mashed potatoes... my pits smelling exactly like my dinner is definitely not a good sign.
Had my first can of Diet Coke in five days though and it was heavenly. Decide to have just Diet Coke for dinner since I am addicted to the stuff. Was on to my 4th can before I gave up. My tongue had all but turned black because of the colouring so that couldn't have been very good for me.
My tongue became increasingly itchy after "dinner" and I practically had to restrain myself from scratching it with my fingernails. The next best thing to do is sleep it off so looks like it's bedtime for me.
Day Seven - Wednesday 4/08/04
I woke up feeling like I lost ten pounds so I hurried over to the scales... only to find that I'd put on 4 pounds??!!!!! How was that possible? All I've had for days now is milky/ buttery mashed potatoes, cream of chicken soups and loads of ice cream... oh.
I spent most of the afternoon at college reenrolling and prayed that none of my lecturers would notice my weight gain. Lucky for me, none did.
Anyway my tongue has returned to its normal size so I had a really good dinner just now. I guess my face must have looked really miserable in the afternoon so my mother suggested cooking soupy noodles for me. Trust me, at this point, I could have eaten cardboard in soup and it would have tasted like manna from heaven but hot soupy noodles with REAL MEAT was just I needed and DAMN, WAS IT GOOD!
So did I regret piercing my tongue especially after all the sacrifices I've had to make in the past week? Not even for a second. In fact, I would do it again in a heartbeat and encourage anyone who wants their tongue (or other body parts) pierced, to go ahead with it if they're really sure. Hey, you only live once and if you can't do the things you really want to do, then what's the point in living? Trust me, piercing your tongue is definitely a life experience you'll carry with you to your old age.
Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to get rid of those pesky pounds!
Friday, August 06, 2004
I brought it up again recently and shockingly, my mother said I could go ahead with it on one condition: that I spare her the gory details of how they do it (hehe!). Now to be honest, I could have gone ahead with it ages ago (come on, I'm in my 20s!) but I decided to discuss it with her out of respect. Trust me, no piercing is worth it if your mum can't bear to look at you at the end of the day.
So anyway, I raced off to Sungei Wang with my friend once I got the green light and here I am, pierced tongue and all a week later :) Anyway, here is a brief day to day description of what I went through during the last week (also if you're thinking of doing it, you'll have a rough idea what to expect).
Hey, when you can't eat, talk or swallow properly, what else is there to do besides think up your next blog entry and write?
A Grainy Picture of My Tongue Piercing
Day One - Thursday 29/7/04 @ 11.30PM
Pierced my tongue 5 hours ago. Was a bundle of nerves as I entered the shop but the piercer immediately made me feel at ease by being friendly and informative. He gave me a form to fill up, told me to sit on a high stool and explained the procedure. I gargled my mouth with Listerine for a few seconds and then I was ready. I tried to calm myself as much as possible and succeeded for a few seconds... until the piercer warned me that I could seriously injure my tongue and lips if I pulled back my tongue while he poked the needle through. My nervousness multiplied tenfold. I stayed as still as I could while he placed a clamp on my tongue and told me that the pressure applied by the tool usually hurt more than the needle itself. Braced myself for the worst... felt nothing. Then he picked up the needle and effortlessly slid it through my tongue. I could feel the needle going through but it was absolutely painless! The piercer slid in the barbell, screwed in the bottom ball and I was done. Tongue feels weird and uncomfortable. Looked in the mirror to find my tongue bleeding slightly. Felt a little bit faint because I hate blood. Recovered instantly when I saw how perfect his workmanship was. Gargled somemore with Listerine, listened to his aftercare instructions and list of Dos and Don'ts and made my way home... in silence (a first for me).
Reached home and showed piercing to mother. Was expecting mum to be Ok with it since she did say I could go ahead with it. Expected wrongly. Was greeted with "Oh My God!!!" over and over again. My guess is, I'll be hearing it more often than I'd like to.
Made a HUGE mistake of not eating before piercing. Was starving at around 9.30pm so I stuffed myself with the one thing that's easiest to swallow: iced water. Still had to train myself to swallow differently with the barbell. Dribbled more than I drank. Felt surprisingly full but only for about, oh 5 minutes. Am dead beat & still hungry so going to bed now. Have not slept this early since 1997 for exams. Must be the result of nerves working overtime. Decide to have one last look in the mirror... I heard that it would be swollen and sore but mine feels normal so am extremely pleased. Aftercare will be a breeze.
Day Two - Friday 30/07/04
Woke up in the afternoon (told you I was tired) with tongue the size of my fist. All I could think was, whoooboy, what have I gotten myself into? Tongue has thickened but luckily, there is no soreness or pain. My speech has worsened though... have omitted the letters s and z from my vocabulary.
My mother is a doll... she made a huge pot of soup for my lunch and bought 2 tubs of ice cream for me knowing I wouldn't be able to eat solids. Had three bowls of soup plus plenty of iced water so was filled to the brim. Watched a Home Improvement rerun and hey, was hungry again. Decided to treat myself to a big bowl of Neopolitan ice cream. Got greedy and scooped a big spoonful into my mouth. Note to self: big spoonful of unmelted ice cream can rub against the piercing resulting in severe pain. Had an unsatisfying (warm) Neopolitan shake instead.
Dinner consisted of more soup (surprise, surprise) and iced water. Have sudden craving for McDonald's Double Cheeseburger... heck, would even be willing to eat the paper that wraps the burger.
Day Three - Saturday 31/07/04
Ah, the weekend's finally here but I'll be staying home to rest my tongue. The piercer told me that it's ok to smoke and drink but I've decided to abstain this weekend, just to be safe. My tongue is still as swollen as ever and talking is still difficult. I'm not sure if I'm imagining it but my tongue feels extremely itchy! I've learnt that the best remedy is iced water so I've had to drink even more than the previous two days (that's all I need, more iced water!)
My mother cooked chicken porridge for me but I couldn't eat it because the grains were too rough and big. So my mother blended it up for me into a kind of soup and I had that for lunch. Now you might think that chicken porridge and blended chicken porridge would taste exactly the same, right? Wrong... dead wrong. I have no idea how blending it altered the taste but my chicken porridge tasted exactly like mushed up liver. I never want to have blended chicken porridge again... ever.
Spoke too soon. Just found out my mum made more for my dinner. Oh boy.
To be continued: Day Four - Seven...